Lucrezia Magazine

Dating and mating can be added to the New Wonders of the World. Kidding. Dating or date advice for men has exploded on the Internet, and when I was asked to come up with an article I thought that I’d do my bit for the womenfolk, to save time and angst There are many sites offering men advice on how to approach women, and while some may be informative, others dangle a huge question mark over the matter. One term that has made it through the electronic barricade, is the Neg. I can’t say I understand it. Then again, I’m no spring chicken. My interpretation is basic: a neg is something an insecure bastard will say to startle a woman – to lower her self esteem a notch- and pass himself off as a macho warrior. It’s the caveman stereotype revisited. Two constants are…well…constant: men want to be intimate with women, and women want to be intimate with men. To hell with the formalities: people want to shag, and women want men who are good in bed (you don’t say? – Ed). Now, the following will contain material that may generate a sigh or two, but it all depends on what you want in a man. If you desire a considerate partner, then by all means, be my guest.

Eyes meet across a crowded room, and va-voom! What stands out about the relatively vintage “eyes across a crowded room” is the mutual element. It’s like a two-way radio. The saying doesn’t say anything about standoffish romance novel overlords, or men that snivel, sneer or retreat behind their adamantine shell, to give attitude or apathy. This is marketing fodder (sorry Ed, I couldn’t restrain myself), the stuff of Hollywood hype and Jane Austen novels.

The first meeting is essential; it’s the butter in the sandwich (or avocado spread, for the cholesterol conscious). His attention levels can be assessed early on. Do his eyes wander or are they magnetically attracted to you? Is he attentive to your needs by offering you a drink, or refill? Does he smile, and do his eyes look into yours? If he’s looking at your boobs (or talking to them), he’s measuring you up physically; you can be the latest Humvee for all he cares, particularly if he’s in male company. There has been no proven scientific link between tit-talking and sexual attentiveness, so the chances of him tending to your needs in bed are slim to zilch.

I’ve had many youngsters approach me for advice.

“What do I say to win her over?”

It’s the common question, but I think of it differently. It’s not about what a man says, more what he does. You can’t be a mind reader, and no offense to women; there are certain times of the month a guy needs to consider purchasing an almanac to gauge the menstrual cycle. PMT is real, and no matter what you say, you can quote Byronic poetry, it won’t make a difference. A male who recites pickup speeches is a bore. He has learned his modus operandi by rote, and presumes that you expect to hear certain things, and if he’s that presumptive in speech, what’s stopping similar presumptions in bed? This man will follow a precise sexual route, either his own or one handed down to him by the ‘easy as one-two-three’ sex maestro: the porn director. You don’t need me to tell you that porn film foreplay fails. Without further ado, I present the shortlist. Call it what you will: the shortcut or differentiating stud from dud.

1. The Kiss of Life or Death:

Kissing is an art. It enters foreplay, and I don’t care, oral technique is steady. If his mouth is uncoordinated at your lips, this will be a constant: mouth, neck, breasts, and it won’t get any better during cunnilingus. I advise women to forget Freud, look for oral fixations in men, and avoid finicky eaters: more on the finicky, later.

2. Desirability:

A good lover can make a woman feel desirable at any time of the day. It all boils down to attentiveness and eye contact. He is open to your needs, and anticipates your requirements. It doesn’t matter if you’re dining at McDonalds or a posh restaurant; he’ll ask you if you need another drink, or a napkin. He’ll find something to compliment, and the compliment isn’t rehearsed. He’ll pull out a chair; ensure you haven’t left your purse behind, all the little things add up. Okay, this isn’t definite, but it’s a good indicator. There are moments where the strong silent type persists, or becomes the aloof male, the chip carrying type, and there is potential for this type to open up, but it takes more work. He’ll have to feel one hundred percent comfortable with you, and this may take some time, but a little warning: after he’s invested his time, due to a wary nature or uncertainty, the aloof type will expect consistency, and may transform into a possessive man.

3. The Five-Minute Plan: Sexual Interest:

Shock horror, there are moments where sex is all that’s needed. I’m being sarcastic of course, and there is a quick way to tell if he’s sexually interested in you, but this works at parties or any social gatherings; after all, you can’t just walk up to him on the street, and touch him, without tweaking his inner alarm bells.

You decrease the personal distance between you, or slowly enter his private distance. Everyone has a private zone, and if you breach this zone without affecting the other’s stress levels – his – then the potential is there. If you take it further, and touch him (on the shoulder, or his hand) and lean in close, to continue the conversation, and he responds favorably, then bingo: potential.

4. Dining Dinosaur or Debonair Diner?

If I had a dollar for all the couples I’ve assessed during my decades on the floor, I’d say that the messy eaters, those with overstuffed mouths, and gnarly attitudes, make the worst bedfellows. If he offers you a prime view of his gnashing teeth and spittle, he most likely ignores his physical habits or his habits are dyed in the wool; he’ll make love the way he prefers to make love. The same applies to the man who wolfs down food without taking a moment to savor flavors. Will he stop to taste you? The other extreme, the neat freak, is another problem; if he uses a knife and fork to further dissect something he can easily pick up with a fork, then he’ll make love like a surgeon: precise, with no gusto or wild abandon.

5. Let's Get Physical:

I’ve overshot my word count, but that’s all right. I promised the publisher I would put in extra hours, and work like a drone.

Everyone likes looking at bodies, and a man’s physique is something for a woman to behold. A quick survey always produces the same: a man’s ass usually sits at the top. Then there’s vanity or the man who is more concerned with his workouts and pecs, the dude who’ll stop to view himself in a mirror as he undresses or walks by a window display. My suggestion is to steer him toward a glass pane (mirror, window, anywhere), to view potential self-absorption in a public area.

If he’s a sports nut, and an active participant, then how does he play? Is he aggressive, always needing a win or is it a hobby. This wouldn’t apply if you’re dating a professional sportsman, but it takes a significant turn if you’re dating or interested in any one who isn’t receiving Nike sponsorship. If he plays hard, is aggressive, and needs to be a winner at all costs, then how does this translate in the bedroom? Body builders are another. Muscles are nice for some, but men on low carb diets can be moody bastards, whereas a dietary hedonist means sluggish performance. Besides, every physician will tell you that an alcohol glut has difficulty rising to the occasion, and maintaining his rise.

Moderation is the balance. A man who believes in moderation (exercise and diet) is an asset; he won’t whine if you have a second helping of cheesecake, and won’t point out the calorie content of food (or what it will do to your thighs).

© 2007 Nicholas Christie

This e-mail address is being protected from spambots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it is sub-editor of Lucrezia Magazine, and welcomes any feedback, i.e. it better be good or he'll press the delete. On a biographical note, Nicholas hails from the island of Aphrodite, and spent a portion of his time pursuing economics at the University of London, in swinging London (yes, he's old), before the night life caught his eye. He currently resides in Australia.